Κυριακή, 11 Φεβρουαρίου 2018

Dear stranger (I wish you well)

Dear stranger,

today I woke up with a feeling of hope which rapidly deteriorated to a feeling of despair.
I came to the realisation that no matter how hard one tries, no matter how deep one's desire goes, to the world all of these are - at least - irrelevant.It is a sunny Sunday - or may I say too sunny for a Sunday in February - and as I have told you before Sundays are a constant psychological battle for me.

I went through my old writings today once more and I came across many different versions of myself, and frankly I wouldn't tell which one I prefer the most. Maybe I am not the best version of me yet?
Lately I feel extremely happy and unbearably sad at the same time. Do you think it's because of the never-ending winter? Or the fact that I have to leave once again? Or maybe it's the other thing?
Do you fear death? Of course you do. Everyone does.

The other day I caught myself in a state of mind that I thought I had surpassed. The state of desperate need of leaving. Escaping even. As if I was trapped in the glass bowl and the air was rapidly sucked out and I had to get out before it was too late. I had a panic attack. After 4 years.

I tend to laugh a lot lately, you know. Out loud. Which can be considered a good thing, right? Then why does it scare me so much? Am I changing? Is this the new version of me? Is it because the last year I came across so many unexpectedly bad changes and I decided that I have to laugh it out or else I will end up sick? Maybe it is all of the above? Shall we tick this box "all of the above" in the answer sheet?

I get weird dreams lately. Both pleasant and not-so-nice-to-remember. Yes, I know. I am stressed. Will it be okay if I just exist for a while? Just the idea of myself floating somewhere in the universe without any trying to prove anything to anyone. Without seeking for air every time I get the news. Without having the feeling of drowning.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to this person who wrote the "notes from a drowning". But I think we both have a very clear idea about it. I wish him well, regardless. And I hope someday he will be back, alive and well.

I think it is time to let you go.
Maybe for a while or maybe forever.
But we'll see each other on the other side, as promised.

I wish you well,

-A


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